With Gusto
by azn-slut
Summary: Dumbledore is exstripper? Harry loves wood nymphs? Malfoy has a rash? McGonagall in forest alone and confused? WARNING: Not to be taken seriously.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:****Blah blah,I don't own any oftheHarry Potter characters, thank god. I do own the fcked up fetishes they have. Enjoy?**

Hagrid wound Dumbledore's beard enticingly around his finger, eyeing his prey. He watched the old man's breath flutter, as his frail heart began to beat at full capacity. Hagrid pulled him in for the kill. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with the lust and longing that Hagrid had always wanted to see since he was a young child. Their mouths met, gasping for breath Hagrid explored every wrinkle and crease of the professor's face. Passionately, they entwined their bodies together, and pruned hands felt for the button of Hagrid's raggedy shirt. He undid them all in 0.25 seconds with the skill of an experienced man whore.

"Heat me up and eat me like a caramel toffee." The old man demanded.

Hagrid grinned seductively in response. He mumbled, while nibbling Dumbledore's ear, "With gusto."

There came a sharp knocking at the door, and as it swung open Professor McGonagall walked in. She saw before her Albus and Hagrid's massive back pouring over a muggle newspaper.

"Quite interesting, really. These muggles nowadays and their Michael Jackson scandals. They can't all be like that, can they?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

"No, I'm afraid not, Albus," Minerva answered. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything." She saw Hagrid shift a little in his seat.

"O' course not, we was just talking about them muggles," Hagrid gestured to the paper, but still did not turn to face her. His voice seemed uneven, and somewhat nervous. She assumed their discussion had struck a sensitive cord with the half-giant. His muggle father certainly did seem to be a soft spot for him.

Continuing as if she hadn't noticed, "I found Potter and Malfoy in the Forbidden Forest. They were … frolicking." She paused, as if finding the right words. "Naked. And they appeared to be re-enacting wood nymph foreplay. Except, the leaves they were using have created a most terrible rash. It's certainly most awkward for me to punish them, and I was hoping you could talk some sense into them. Perhaps, you would take the right action?"

Dumbledore nodded slowly. "Of course, and where might they be?" He picked up the paper and began to inspect it, seeming not to notice it was up-side down.

"In the hospital wing. I shall be seeing you there, I suppose?" Minerva headed towards the door.

"Yes, I shall be coming … shortly," Albus replied. A faint smile covered his face. Hagrid started coughing uncontrollably.

As the door shut and they heard the footsteps heading down the stairs.

A mischievous look spread across Dumbledore's face. "Hagrid?" He looked up slowly in response. "Take me now." With that, the man launched himself across the desk, land on top of the gigantic partner which sat across from him.

"Now, where were we?" Hagrid asked, his rough hands running themselves along Dumbledore's slim torso.

"I think you were going to take me, _with gusto_."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This isn't meant to be taken seriously. So if you dislike intensly wrong sexual refrences between old men and giants. Be warned. **

* * *

With that, Hagrid ripped Albus's robes straight off his body. And before him, stood the naked, wrinkled, Dumbledore. At long, long, last. He grabbed the spectacles, and threw them forcefully on-to the ground. They shattered as they hit the ground, startling Fawkes. With a shriek, the phoenix took flight into the air.

"Wait," Dumbledore hesitated, "isn't it going to hurt?"

"There are spells for that."

Dumbledore raised a single white eyebrow. "I should have guessed," he murmured sexually. "Did that Potter boy tell you about them?" he continued jokingly, as his hands wandered downwards.

"No, I heard about them at a show of yours I attended in my twenties." Hagrid replied quietly.

"You went to one of my shows? Well I hope I don't disappoint. I'd like to think I'm still just as flexible." With that, Dumbledore leapt with the ease of a cheetah onto Hagrid's shoulders, sending them both toppling over the chair and onto the ground. The school shook with a large thump as Hagrid landed heavily onto the floor.

Hagrid smiled at this new position Dumbldore had created. Ever so gently, he eased Albus's wizened manhood into his mouth, and almost choked with wonder as it rose abruptly to attention. Dumbledore moaned softly.

"Not yet, my friend. I think I deserve a chance too," he said with a smile. His naked body shimmied down south to Hagrid's ratty drawstrings. Carefully, and teasingly he undid the knot, and slipped out the most enormous, engorged, member. He felt his own throb just looking at it. He longed to touch it, lick it, kiss its every vein and wrinkle, to smooth head and the creased testicles that lay beneath an awesome jungle of hair.

Today, he thought, is a good day to act upon impulses. Without any further hesitation he plunged Hagrid into his mouth, surprised by just how big it was. He could onto fit the very tip of it into his mouth, despite the years of skill he had behind him. He tickled it with his tongue, enjoying the salty taste, and unique texture.

By then, Hagrid was almost screaming for a penetration. Removing Hagrid from his mouth, Dumbledore walked over to his robes and bent over to look for his wand. Hagrid came up behind him and grabbed his hips forcefully, "Let's go." He growled.

"Keep your panties on," Albus said, stroking Hagrid's massive beard. "Now, I'm thinking … me on top?"

Hagrid nodded passionately. "You're a dirty, dirty boy."

* * *

Harry sat in his lonely single bed in the hospital wing, staring longingly at Malfoy's platinum blonde head as he scratched feverishly at his groin. Harry too, had his hands down his pants, but not for the rash, though he pretended it was.

"Brilliant idea, Potter," Malfoy spat. "If we were alone right now I'd make you pay good and proper for this rash."

"A spanking?" Harry asked excitedly.

"I have something better in store for you," he whispered, smiling. His smile turned into a scowl as McGonagall approached. "I wonder what that cow was doing in the forest, don't you?"

Harry withdrew his hand from his pants. "Yeah, she better have a bloody good reason. I haven't had a proper shag in days."

"I know," Malfoy said exasperatedly as he threw himself down onto the bed. "I just can't seem to get you alone any more. You're always with Ron." Ron's name had a nasty emphasis on it.

"I promise you, me and Ron are just friends! Honest Malfoy, you'd think you didn't trust me at all! After all I've forgiven you for -" He was cut short by McGonagall's interrupting cough.

"Although I'm sure you boys are having a very heated discussion about your _relationship_, Dumbledore will be here shortly to deal with you," she said shortly, before stalking off.

"I was lonely!" Draco hissed. "You and Ron had been spending _years_ together," he muttered sulkily.

"That's no excuse; me and Ron have been mates for six years! And you're over exaggerating, as usual." Harry rolled his eyes.

"Neville meant nothing to me! You know how I get; I'm almost addicted to you that is how bad my withdrawal symptoms are." He grinned naughty, and stood, before sitting down on Harry's bed. "Now, where exactly does it itch?" Malfoy's hand slipped discreetly beneath the covers.

A look of shock, then longing, then worry crossed over Harry's face in quick succession. "What about the patients?" He pointed at a single girl, snoring loudly across the room.

"She won't notice." The hand inched under Harry's hospital robes.

"HARRY POTTER AND DRACO MALFOY!" Dumbledore boomed as he strode majestically towards them. Draco flew off Harry's bed and into his own, flipping the blankets with his hand in the confusion. Harry was petrified for a moment, before realizing Draco had left him completely exposed with a painful hard on. Damn rash, he thought.

"Oh my. That _is_ a nasty rash!" Dumbledore said.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Review?**

* * *

Dumbledore leaned in closer for a better look. Harry burned bright red and pulled his robes down.

Draco seethed silently as jealously burned in the deepest caverns of his frozen heart. "Professor, if you don't mind, I would like to have this over with as quickly as possible. It's awkward enough for the all of us. Especially Potter." He glanced over with a smirk.

Harry tried to formulate a witty repartee but was left with his mouth hanging open foolishly. He settled for scratching his groin in silence.

"Yes, yes. I quite agree with you, those rashes seem most painful. Now I happen to know a spell that Madame Pomfrey isn't exactly familiar with. Works wonders for cleaning up messy rashes such as yours. Learned it was quite effective," Dumbledore began to trail off as he produced his wand from the depths of his robe.

* * *

"That was certainly odd, don't you think?" Harry mused as his walked down the hospital wing with Draco.

"Maybe he's getting senile, a younger Dumbledore wouldn't have thought a mere _rash_ was punishment enough," Draco replied, his eyebrows furrowed with thought.

"Well its all the better. Besides, imagine the story we'd have to come up with if five hundred house points just disappeared." Harry chuckled to himself. He stepped a little close towards Draco, and their hands brushed. A tingling shiver shot up Harry's arm.

"We'd just have to say we got caught shagging each other _rotten_," Draco said, and suddenly grabbed Harry, pushing him against the cold brick wall. Harry's eyes lit up with excitement, his breath became ragged.

"Oh really? But we weren't shagging … yet." Harry paused, a devious look on his face.

"We can fix that," Draco murmured as he kissed Harry's neck, working his way up to Harry's lips. As their mouths met, Harry pulled Draco closer towards him, longing for Draco to caress him. He knew the other boy felt the same, as he felt a hardness pressing against him. Draco's kisses were becoming rough, and forceful. He wrapped his hands in the messy tendrils of Harry's hair, and pressed the boy harder against the wall. He felt the boy dig in his fingernails into his back with the growing pressure of Draco's errection.

"Bloody hell!" came a squeaky voice from behind them. Draco's head whipped around like an owl, and feasted on the sight of Colin Creevey. In his hand was a camera, and he seemed to be frozen to the spot with shock.

Harry coughed loudly and unwound his leg from around Draco's thighs.

"I was just … umm … practicing the kiss of death. I learned it this summer," Draco said breathlessly. "Oh fuck it," and he walked over to Colin. "Now see here good man …" Colin nodded slowly. "I'm going to have to do something to you, and I don't think you'll like very much."

* * *

"I think he shit himself," Harry said, as he lounged on a pillow in the Room of Requirement.

"Either way, I have this," Draco said, holding up the camera. Harry raised an eyebrow. "We could have a lot of fun with this bad boy."

"Oh really?" Harry asked playfully.

"Yeah really." Draco said, slowly taking of his robes.

"No way …" Harry trailed off at the sight of shirtless Draco in front of him. "I've always wanted to be a male model." Harry stood and picked up a pink feather boa.

"I've always pictured you more as slinky mistress, or trophy husband. I, on the other hand, would like to think of myself as a master of seduction." Draco flipped a top hat onto his head. "Now, come and help me with these pants. They're oh so _binding_."

"But sir, I'm not dressed yet," Harry simpered, picking up a frilly white apron and feather duster.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Finally, a new update! Hopefully this whole updating business will continue regularly. And thanks for the reviews**

Minerva stood alone at the grassy clearing where she had found Potter and Malfoy earlier. It shocked and dismayed her that someone else might have found this cleaning, and put it to a better use.

She had been looking forward to her 'alone time session' when she'd found them; somewhere deep inside she wondered vaguely if it was wrong that she spent a good twenty minutes hiding in the bushes, watching. It reminded her so much of that time, in the summer, many years ago. Of course, she prided herself for being extremely rigidly straight … in her sobriety.

Sitting down, Minerva allowed herself to drift off into her memories.

It had been a hot, sticky summer, and being a teenager, her rebellion got the upper hand of her. Many muggles seemed to enjoy the beach, so she took it upon herself to dress in the scantiest of their fashion and parade her near-nudeness on the near-water.

And then she had seen him. Six foot something, rippling muscles. Pure man. Her _only_ man.

They had spent two amazing months together, doing everything together. Even mentioning these things would make a well-practiced prostitute red in the face. She longed to touch him, kiss him, smell him. A true witch, she had left him to return to school, and they had grown apart. She still spent nights riding her broom above the beach where their passionate bodies had entwined multiple times, all those years ago.

* * *

Colin Creevey was crying in the bathroom when he heard the voice that changed his life. 

"I used to cry all the time… That's why they call me Moaning Myrtle."


End file.
